And the Oscar goes to...

Goodbye to the world I used to know....

Hello sweet embracing welcome of college :]

why now? ....why still?

It is just so aggravating to have spent the last few years trying to contain these thoughts and feelings and just when I start to think that it’s all over, they all just avalanche back on me.

I’m so confused and can never let my true feelings be known because I don’t no whether they are really how I feel, or once the words come out will it be too late to them take back?  Sitting here listening to songs that I think apply in this state of purgatory is not helping. 

This rollercoaster ride was never meant to last so long, I thought I just kept going back on line, when in reality I was never off it to begin with … or maybe I was, who knows I sure as hell don’t.

Talking is proving to be a fail, because really the only person I can talk to about this is the one person who I can’t express my words with out at least being intoxicated.

How you feel now, or at-least how you act now is very unsatisfactory, but you do it because you know I will still be around, and that annoys me, because you’re right.

I can’t keep at this, nor can I forget all you said in the past.

The thing is, hoping it all goes away won’t work, at least not completely. So all that is left to do is to wait and see how it all plays out in my last week in NYC not that I expect much. Okay thats a lie, but none of my expectations can be met.

A Perfect End to the Summer!

trickytrigger:

Although it might seem so, I know tomorrow won’t be my last time this year. Not if I can help it. :)

when will my time come?

and so it ends.

Okay. I know that I said I wanted to talk but I changed my mind. You know you hurt me and, according to you, at one point you disliked me so much that my feelings didn’t even matter.
Well, guess what, right now I don’t feel like I should have to listen to you because I don’t feel like I want to sit here and help you feel better, because you honest to God made me doubt myself as a person until I could not recognize myself any more.
And the fact that you really at one point found it justified is way beyond me, and I feel you need to deal with that. And so I will tell you now, that I don’t want to hear any of it, because to me, it won’t be the truth.

You hurt me. A lot. And you hurt other people. Whether they were hurt a lot or a little, it doesn’t matter. You did it. Own up to it. Don’t just do it because someone called you out on it.

Because well, you didn’t deal with it before. Right now the thing that is bothering me the most is that I left you a message on facebook asking you to talk about the problem you had with me and you not only did not empathize, you took it to a whole new level. And I don’t think I should excuse that. I would also like to point out that you didn’t like my “gossiping” but not ONCE when I spoke to you did you ever say “fariha this is wrong, you shouldn’t be telling me these things.” You sat there, listened, and waited until senior year to let me know.

After all that was said and done, you then proceeded to pick things back up with me when you needed me i.e. when you first got interested in sepe and for prom makeup.

I atoned for what I did, and I believe that I have changed many things about myself over this year, and for that I do thank you, but for the way you went about it, I resent you.

Not only do you manipulate people, I feel you forgive people at your convenience-once you have brought them to their lowest point that they have lost face and could not defend themselves against those you let your feelings be known to. At this point, WHO CAN TRY AND TALK TO YOU ABOUT HOW THEY FEEL? I know I couldn’t because I would’ve been portrayed as petty and small compared to you who is willing to forgive and forget. Well right now your brand of “forgiveness” means NOTHING to me. Because I realize our friendship was very superficial, just as I now believe you to be.

You wondered why all of a sudden everyone is saying how they feel…Well you should know the answer to that because you’ve spent the last few years using it to your advantage. When one person points out flaws everyone begins to see them and slowly but surely, they all begin to act on how they feel. So from now on, I will be as civil as possible. Hi and bye. That’s about it for me. Because after the things you said to sarah (and you know what you said) you can try to switch it up to benefit yourself, but it won’t change what you said or did. I refuse to be a disposable toy for you and your mentality that you can pick and choose who’s feelings matter. that’s controlling and power-hungry, and conniving.

I hope you understand. If you don’t, well I feel as if I’ve earned the right not to care.

BIRTH DAY SEX BIRTH DAY SEX

(via kanghaskan)

when? ;]

um...

yes its been forver. but im back. in the past two nights ive been thinking alot about mself. and i kno that tumblr is the vest way to strt loving myself <3 hhahaha 

Scattered thoughts make so much more sense.

It just seems as if, I will never be able to have any sort of personality. Not because other people think its flawed, but because to be truthful i agree. What really ticks me off is that I can point out all of their bad qualities too, but I don’t.  No one, and I mean NO ONE can truly ever take criticism, so it is extremely funny to me that the people who are my critics are the ones I know would fall apart at the slightest bit of criticism. It is so easy to hand out, but so hard to recieve. I wish I could take something to develop an immunity to it, but alas none has been invented.

I wish I was upset enough to write one of my long life affirming blogs, but to tell you the truth, I can’t because over the last 3 weeks it seems god is really testing me, in every way possible.  Testing my strength, my values, and sometimes even as far as to test my willingness to want to get up in the morning.

I can’t say he’s tested my will to live, because I am not selfish enough, nor am I willful enough to want to end my life. But he has indeed put me through enough these past three weeks. I know I should be thankful that it isn’t as bad as it could be, and if any one reads this they will probably sit there and think, wow what a little bitch ass, crying over shit like this.  And you know what, you’re a 100% right, but I’d honestly like to watch you all cope with the same.

To go over the things that are going on right now I am currently a senior at Stuyvesant highschool, where the average GPA is 92 and average SAT score is 2100. I am trying to maintain my 85.7 and trying not to care about my 1710.  I have not taken a single AP class nor have I looked at a SAT II book.  So you can just imagine how I must feel in English class when we’re all writing our essays and the people applying ED to Stanford and Princeton are bitching about how their essays need to be amazing cause they only got a average of 720 on thier SAT IIs along with their 5s in 3 AP classes. THOSE ARE THE FUCKHEADS THAT SCHOOLS WILL BE COMPARING ME TO. WHO THE HELL IS GONNA TAKE ME, LET ALONE PAY FOR ME TO GO THERE?

So to the added pressures of the college process, my mother flies out to Bangladesh to deal with my father’s emergency surgery. I mean if she wanted to take a a month and a half long vacation second term I would’ve cried a river overflowing with tears of joy. But at a time when stability is key, I am parentless, no guidance. So naturally you want to turn to your “friend”s but hell, they are just as confused as you are.

I find out that my Uncle who had Lymphosarcoma had finally passed away. And when I people they ask me if we were close, but I don’t fucking need to be close to him to feel his loss.  I watched him, suffer over the summer. I had to watch my aunt and cousins put thier lives ultimately on hold to care, at the same time dreading the inevitable. I had to watch him as he used what little energy he had left to try and renew his passport in hopes that he will on day live to travel.  So yea, I was affected when my brother casually told me that he passed away and continued lecturing me on how I’m a bad daughter.

Friend. Such a simple six letter word, and yet it means so much to everyone.  There are many people who use it lightly, I myself am a frequent offender.

But then there are times when you turn to your “Friends”, like the ones who turn to you for your company for comfort, for entertainment, and you turn to them for just a bit of guidance when you need help going through a dark place in your life.  And what do they do?they take you to be asking for their pity.

Fuck your pity. I’m not a fucking charity case just because I don’t always wanna be everyone’s dancing monkey.

Then there’s that “friend” who is willing to forget your friendship, and pick it up again whenever it is convenient for them.  The one you will stay up with so they can emote, but then a few months later finds you to be meddlesome and will pick at all your flaws just to justify their jealousy.

Fuck your jealousy. I’m not gonna fucking let you portray me as a bad person so you can hep yourself feel better for the ridiculous reasons that you dislike me for.  Don’t project your insecurities on me. Because I have enough of my own to deal with.

Then there are the “friend” who holds onto to things and resents you to the point where they begin to turn other “friends” against you.  And the thing that hurts the most is its the person you trusted with everything, the one who breaks the wall that leads to my guarded heart and gets to be in the inner circle of all my thoughts and concerns.

Fuck your struggles with importance. You were important to me, I guess that wasn’t enough you needed to be a ring leader huh?  I told you everything. because I couldn’t deal with everything, and you use it as my downfall.  But then you insist that it was more than that, when really WE ALL DID IT. WE ALL DID IT, YOU DO IT, THE REST OF OUR FRIENDS DO IT, but SOMEHOW you took my trust in you and managed to turn it into a character flaw.

Then there are the “friends” that hand out criticisms like christmas cards. As I mentioned before. It’s like yea I do these things, but you do other things that are sometimes the same thing or sometimes worst. And its really annoying when you have to hear about them from other people and you know what, I would take it in stride but, BUT, if I were to try and point out your flaws I’m overreacting and I’m being defensive. So I’m expected to take people’s criticism and sit there while they all ignore everyone else’s flaws. (***Thnx for telling me but next time let me cope instead of beginning to analyze my feelings, no the rest of this paragraph isnt for you just this part.)

FUCK THAT SHIT. PERIOD. If you wanna tell people. YOU TELL EVERYONE. why must everyone take it out on me.  Just because i pretend to be comfortable in my skin you have to tear away at the protective layer?

Last but not least. I’d like to talk about a Friend who is “selfish, power hungry and inconsiderate. o and also overzealous when it comes to friendship”…. yes. she is all of the above. and accepting of the the fact. She can be fucked up, like when she plays tetris while i cry, but at the same time she is the only one who has come to terms with my flaws. and although we both get on each others nerves. I KNOW she will fight any one at any time over my flaws when shes pointed them out herself. NO ONE will ever understand our relationship, that we compliment each other. She can be fucked up, but then turn around and be the only person in the world that makes any fucking sense And in her own way is able to be one of the most caring (yikes :P). but in the spirit of this note

FUCK your tetris :], Fuck your random bi-polarness and FUCK YOUR CUPNOODLES! THEY ARE FAT! i don’t care about your power struggles. I dont need to be near someone i hate, already upset so people can then hate me for showing up.

TO conclude this shit.  I dont know what you people want with me.  I can’t ever have feelings of any kind is that it? And at the same time I can’t be too happy/”cutsey”. Will I have to constantly change my personality for ever other person. Why is it that you can all accept each others flaws but never mine??!

FUCK IT. AND FUCK YOU.

thanks. just had to get this out. feel much better. nto really cuz im still pretty alone in this world. just me and my food.

Woah turns out this was one of those long ones.